Category: Harriett

With our upcoming trip to Scotland approaching, I’ve been giving some thought to air travel.

Specifically, luggage.

I have always believed that packing reveals something about a person’s character. Some travelers prepare carefully, making lists and folding their garments with military precision. Others apparently wait until the last minute and trust that whatever fits in the suitcase belongs in the suitcase.

I was reminded of a story from 2006.

At the time, Major Lee was stationed at MacDill Air Force Base in Tampa, and Frank Lee had arranged to spend a semester working in the legal profession in Fort Lauderdale.

It was an educational experience.

In February of that year, a woman arriving from Haiti was detained at Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport after customs officials discovered a human skull in her luggage.

Not a decorative skull.

An actual human skull.

With teeth, hair, and skin still attached.

According to news accounts, the remains were accompanied by grass, banana leaves, dirt, rocks, and an iron nail.

I have never understood the nail.

Frank Lee, who followed the matter with considerable professional interest, was particularly intrigued by the documentation requirements. He happened to be assigned as a clerk to U.S. Magistrate Judge Lurana S. Snow. One can only guess her reaction to being assigned to oversee the matter. (No pun intended.)

I remember Major Lee telling me that the case involved questions of lawful importation and declaration of human remains.

I asked whether the woman had packed the head in something airtight.

Neither gentleman knew.

I found this troubling.

Eventually, the woman was released from custody, and the matter proceeded through the courts. What ultimately became of the skull is a question I have never seen satisfactorily answered.

Frank Lee has maintained for years that the disposition of property is every bit as important as its acquisition.

I have maintained that a Ziploc bag would have been a reasonable starting point.

And, in the event you think this is fiction, or I am jesting, I provide evidence. I do have a proper documentation trail, thank you very much. One of the articles can be viewed here.

All of which brings me back to Scotland.

I am enormously grateful that our party will be traveling by charter aircraft. There is something comforting about knowing one’s fellow passengers and having a reasonable expectation of what they intend to bring aboard.

I have packed sensible shoes, appropriate clothing, and a small assortment of personal necessities.

No soil.

No iron nails.

And absolutely no human remains.

Although I understand that federal regulations make provisions for human remains imported for “other purposes.”

I have decided not to inquire.

Some things are better left unpacked.

— H.S.

Outside the Law is a recurring column offering observations on legal matters, domestic affairs, and the occasional failure of common sense. The opinions expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the position of Suspicious & Suspicious, Esq.

I have just found out Major Lee and I will be joining the Styville Economic contingent departing on the 19th – a mere week away!

Thankfully, both Lee and I keep our Passports up to date. We will be traveling to the Highlands, which I have never had the privilege of seeing. I can only imagine the splendor of the landscape in the fall.

We will be traveling with new companions, the McGuire’s. I look forward to meeting them.

Lee tells me there will be another dignitary – and we will have been offered transportation from his private collection. It all sounds somewhat intriguing.

Lee also said that there will be other diplomatic considerations, which is why he has been asked to attend.

I am looking into getting a plaid scarf for the trip, as I understand the weather may be changing.

Slàn! 💗

-HS

I walked to the mailbox today, expecting the usual AARP marketing, new financing or insurance offers and the obligatory flyers from local merchandisers.

Instead, I received a lovely hand printed thank you note from Jowlene Lardmore, the Senior Editor of “The Daily Oink”!

Several years ago – I can’t recall exactly when, but I do remember Frank Lee was still studying for the Bar exam – Major Lee took the initiative to contact several military buddies who had connections with sporting goods manufacturers.

Together, they helped launch footballs made of alternative products than pig bladder and pig skin. Their commitment to the Porcine Community saved countless lives.

Apparently, his work was remembered as a result of a Styville Tailgating Event. And, we have been invited to a dinner hosted by the Porcine Council to celebrate the prolonged victory.

Isn’t that a fine way to return from the mailbox?

– HS

My husband, Lee, may seem all buttoned up on the surface. He is very disciplined.

However, an elementary schoolmate of his showed up at a class reunion and began to mercilessly tease Lee about his name. Please – do not get ahead of yourself and think it is his last name. It is most assuredly not. Lee is proud of being a Suspicious. The classmate stirred up unwelcome memories – “Bless his heart”, as we say in Texas.

Lee’s middle name is from his mother’s maiden name – Ward. At times teasing can be a trial for youngsters. Lee Ward Suspicious was shortened to Leeward. He detested it then; and does to this very day.

Heaven knows the name – and the accompanying lampooning – were unpleasant, to say the least.

Then came High School graduation, and a full naval scholarship was offered. Lee gritted his teeth and declined. He would under no circumstances go to the Naval Academy. Lee Ward Suspicious, navy man? Certainly not.

Instead, he went to West Point and was highly recognized. He climbed the ranks and became a Major in nearly record time.

That, as they say, is the rest of the story. It would behoove you to not tread on that particular “serpent”. Please refer to him as Major or Lee. Forego the middle name. Do not string his entire rank and name together as if it were humorous. If you ignore this, it may not go well with you.

-HS

There are sentences one does not anticipate writing during a career – legal or peripherally. “Major Lee Suspicious is not a dog” was, until recently, among them.

Lee is my husband of nearly 48 years. I would surely have an inkling if he were a dog.

I am grateful that reputable artificial intelligence services generally include a small acknowledgment on-screen that they may make mistakes. Recent events suggest that acknowledgment deserves our attention.

Artificial intelligence can be remarkably useful. It can also state something remarkably untrue with remarkably good grammar.

Major Lee Suspicious is not a dog.

I trust that settles the matter.

Several people tease Lee and me for our devotion to New Balance walking shoes and have asked me if Frank wears that brand. The answer is absolutely not.

Frank has work shoes. Alden loafers. Understated and as immaculately kept as his father’s walking shoes.

I would like you to understand that when Frank decides to relax and cook-out with friends over, he will wear equally clean Hey Dudes.

– HS

I get this question frequently – whether from humans or porcine clients.

Major went into the law because he enjoys discipline. That is obvious in his routine of daily “PT”. He wanted to have something where he could use his military knowledge to help.

He is actually the “Founding Father” of Porcine Jurisprudence. He may not announce that. Most think Frank Lee is the author. Frank is a contributor, Lee’s experience in the field gave him access to Porcine Dignitaries globally. They inspired him.

– HS